It has been both exactly what I expected and nothing like what I expected. I expected some adjusting issues; I didn't know what type. I expected sister moments; I didn't expect that they would involve pandas and my old room being painted pink. I expected arguments, but I had no idea it would be about wearing jeans and putting shoes on when it's 30 degrees outside. I expected to grow, but I didn't know how much God would teach me through ZS.
Here's what having her around has taught me, at least the part I can put in words.
From a learning perspective, it's fascinating to have a second language learner in the house. It's also interesting watching the cultural differences that we've encountered. And some of them may just be her personality, who knows, but we are constantly baffled by some of her behaviors. But in that, I'm forced to accept that other people have different ways of doing things based on where and how they were brought up. I respect her way of doing things, even if I think it is silly or inefficient, because they are hers. My middle class white American perspective is not better or worse than hers; it's just different. And that's a good thing to look at.
And how do I handle that? Do I get angry and annoyed when she does "weird" stuff? Or do I learn to let go a little, give up some control. Someone once said life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do with it. I can let the things that bother me about her make me frustrated with her, the concept of adoption, and Chinese people or general. Or I can stretch a little everyday, become more flexible. Become a better person.
Forgiveness. Wow, what she has taught me about forgiveness. She can be offensive without even realizing it. When I encounter that, again, I have a choice. Hold onto it and harden slowly, or forgive without hearing an apology, because I know I have offended God and others countless times, and they have shown me forgiveness. There are times that I have gotten angry with her and she turns against me because of that. My tendency would be to leave her in her anger, but God's grace must be working because I'm learning to go to her and apologize for my part and tell her how much I love her.
The first few months were pretty tough. She spent a lot of evenings in her room crying, muttering in Chinese, and looking at pictures of her friends back home. I desperately wanted to communicate to her the big picture, that life here would be better for her. That eventually she would make friends. She would get an education and have the opportunity to go to college and learn about Jesus. Even if I could speak Chinese, I don't think she would have understood.
But don't we do that with God? When we're going through something hard don't we sometimes cry and ask for our old lives back? And I wonder if He thinks, I wish she could see the big picture, and how this is going to make things better in time. I doubt Zhi Sai trusts our judgment about what's best for her...maybe sometimes we trust God's judgment about what's best for us. She can't see the end, and neither can we.
I think what it all comes down to is that I'm learning about love. I really, really want Zhi Sai to give me a big hug (which she won't do). I want to get snuggly with her and watch chick flicks. I want to go shopping and help her pick out clothes. I think it will happen in time. It just might not be soon. And if it never happens, that's ok. I still love her. In some inexplicable way that has nothing to do with her being especially kind or loving, I adore her and think she's fabulous. And I'm in awe that God has put this inside of me, which I know He has because I don't naturally have a gentle or unconditionally loving personality. It gives me the tiniest glimpse of how He loves us without much in return. She hurts my feelings sometimes, but that's ok. With her, I see the big picture: a girl without hope or a future was given one. And that's what God does with me; He gives me hope and a future.
So here's to you, baby sister. You are a blessing to me and others around you. Life will be a little trickier for you here...but you'll always have my hand to help you. Happy Anniversary!
